The days ahead.

This afternoon I have my first therapy appointment since the receptionist was a twat to me. I'm not looking forward to going in there but I really need to see my therapist and tell her what happened. My BFF suggested I make a list of what I wanted to talk about. I think this is a great idea. I also made an appointment to have my lady parts looked at. It's taken me over 5 years to get the courage to go ahead and get it over with. Whatever the doctor says is okay with me. Good or bad. Just so long as I know why I have been having problems down there. I'm ready to hear it and deal with it. Sadly the appointment is on my birthday this year. lol. Just my luck huh. I hope they don;t have the results of my exam till the next day to be honest. That way it won't ruin my birthday if I can't have kids. The plan that day if John takes the day off is my doctor appointment, cheap lunch at Subway or something, waste a few hours doing nothing, cheap movie at the $2 movies, and then dinner at either Texas Roadhouse or Makino. Or perhaps dinner then the movie. I dunno yet. We will wing it. Or is he works (which I am encouraging) then we will do my dr apt, cheap lunch, and then I will take him to work. Then when I pick him up we will go to dinner and maybe a movie. We shall see. But this will be a short post tonight because I am sleepy and my husband isn't feeling well. I believe he has the flu. School is back in here and mom says some of the UT kids have it.

Abducted by aliens.....

I'll be honest. I wasn't abducted by aliens. But for once I wasn't hiding! A week after my last post I got a car finally for the first time in more than 5 years. It's a light green 2005 Nissan Altima. I named her Lucy. So Lucy and I have been out and about bonding. I use the "safe zone" and "safety person" approach to leaving the house. I can go out driving and ride around. But only on the roads I have been on for most of my life. And god forbid I have to use the bathroom while I am out. I have to either go to my husband's work or come all the way home. The same can be said for food and drink while I'm out. I still can't go in places alone or even get out of the car if my husband isn't with me. I have been taking him to and from work just about every day. And just after I got the car I spent the afternoon with my aunt Debbie. We had lunch at Hotrod's 50's Diner and went to the 4 Chics & A Cat thrift store in Maryville, Tennessee. The restaurant was packed with people of all ages having lunch. Luckily we were close to the bathroom so I went in a couple times to catch my breath and calm down. The food was excellent. The company was excellent. And the overall day was excellent. I love my aunt Debbie. <3 The car is making us poor as fuck though. Even with help paying the payments the insurance for just me is over $100 a month. Then there is gas. I'm spending $50 every 2 weeks taking John to work, getting groceries, and doing laundry. But not having to rely on someone else for a ride everywhere is really nice. especially since my mother causes panic attacks instead of preventing them.

Anyways.

I had an appointment to see the therapist last Thursday. I love this woman. She is hilarious and I feel comfortable with her. The place I go is one of those where you pay based on your income. I walked in for my appointment and the receptionist, Penny, gets an attitude with me and says that the papers my husband faxed about our income weren't good enough. That's funny, they were last time. So she goes on about what she needs and I'm like "M'kay, well that is what you have there." And in front of another receptionist and 4 total strangers she gets a shitty attitude and gets loud with me saying that she needs a W2 or whatever and a bank statement. Well we bank online and don't get a statement. And we don't have a printer. I start to panic because of her volume and her tone. This cow is drawing much unwanted attention to me. She told me to go to the bank and get a copy. I said "Um, excuse me? I don't GO places except for here and my mother's house without my husband. And he is at work." She had this smug superior look on her face as she chomped her chewing gum. Well I panic and run out the door. But before I get to the door she has the audacity to yell across the waiting room "Are you not going to be seen today?" I get to my car and leave. thankfully this place is a mile from where I grew up and I was able to go there and calm down. I go there for help. For support. For fucking THERAPY. What the hell. I came home still rather upset and emailed my therapist on Facebook. We aren't friends on here but I was panicked and didn't know what else to do. Part of my problem is I don't answer my phone or call people. It's a huge source of stress for me. And I would never accept or send a request to be. That is unprofessional in my opinion. I think I should though. I keep thinking it was my fault and perhaps I was unreasonable. But I don't think I was. I mean, I know she doesn't know why I am there. At least I don't think she does. But it's a mental health facility. She shouldn't get loud and embarrass people coming there for help. This was 9 days ago and I am still upset about it. Now we are back to John having to go with me to my appointments. 1 step forward and 5 steps back behind a locked door with the curtains drawn tight and me crying in the bedroom. Good job Penny you fucking bitch. I hope your car gets repossessed while you are at work or all of your hair falls out.

Monday I spent a few hours over at my high school BFF's house with her grandmother and daughter. Our other BFF showed and we had a hen party on the back porch. Crissy brought her daughter, Lillie, and she and Amanda's daughter played while Amanda's grandmother was in the house. It was just like we were 16 again. Amanda and Crissy are as pretty as they were in school. I love them. No matter how long I am gone MIA when I am sick they still love me. And they understand. But I am determined to get my relationships with them back and be there from now on. We made plans to have dinner Saturday after John gets off work. It will be us, Amanda, Crissy, and her husband Billy. I'm thrilled!

Tuesday was good too. I had an appointment with the disability lawyer office about my denial for disability for agoraphobia. I need to re-appeal online and get them some papers filled out by my doctor. It will be 9-12 months before it gets to the next stage. The hearing stage. Blargh, I need to get to work on that appeal. But that night was special. I had a late night appointment at the tattoo place my brother works at for the custom autism tattoo I have been wanting in honor of my husband. It's the first step in covering my left forearm with tattoos that represent people I love. Next is my grandmother's daffodil and then my grandfather's guitar. the rest I haven't got to yet. I still need to work on my grandfather's. But I have time. I'll likely do some sort of cat for my mother being that she is crazy cat lady. lol. A pic of the new tattoo is at the bottom of this page.

Today was good though. Tiny victories. I went to a movie alone after I dropped John off at work. I saw Midnight in Paris. I had never been to this theater before so there was no comfort zone what so ever once I was out of the car. I used my free pass and went inside. I gathered myself in the restroom like I always try to do and found a seat. There was only 3 other people in there for the movie. 2 very quiet women to either side of me and 1 nomming popcorn somewhere behind me. I made myself not look back so that I wouldn't know who was back there. So I assume it was one person. The movie was okay. I spent a good part of it when he wasn't in the 20's just sitting with my eyes closed. The seats were cozy and the temp was just right for a nap. But after the movie I went to John's work to get a drink of course (lol) and there was a light out in the back. It made it look weird at his work station so I grabbed my drink, smooched him, conformed that he was getting off at 6pm, and bolted. I'm pretty sure it was Looney Tunes style and John's and Topher's chairs where spinning I zoomed out so fast. I stopped and grabbed a couple doughnuts at the Krispy Kreme drive thru. Mmmm glazed creme filled! The window person was eyeballing the new tattoo. =) Probably shocked at how big it is. lol. I came home and got in my p'jammies and nommed my treats and rested for a while before I had to go get John.

Not a bad month. But I promise to do better at repelling the aliens so that I am not MIA for so long.

The boarder represents me.
The puzzle pieces represent my husband, John.
Without the boarder the pieces fall apart.
Without the pieces the boarder has no purpose.
And the heart represents finding love in an unexpected place.

Steal from thy neighbor

Today was such a long day. I have been so into watching stuff on Netflix that I haven't been sleeping as much as I should. I'm not worried about it. It is the weekend after all. I made my husband a nice breakfast and sent him off to work. But he was only a few yards from the apartment building before I yelled for him to come back. I wanted him to leave his phone so that I could call mom. Something just told me that I needed to. Well I am glad I did. Evidently "someone" broke in to her home. She is pretty sure it was her neighbor and his family. They stole her brand new 47" TV that she had just got a couple days ago. Her neighbor was the only one who knew about it. And the way her house is situated nobody could have seen it come in when she brought it home. Which also means nobody saw it go out either. But my mom's horrible week boils down to her shady neighbor up and moving most of his belongings today between my mom walking around her property. He would dart in the house when she came out. The cop that came Friday night hardly took any notes and took 0 pictures of the muddy footprints that were in the back bedroom. They came in through the window in my old bedroom and tracked mud through the room. Also she heard what she thought was her cats being rambunctious Thursday night around midnight and it turns out the neighbor's daughter had been hiding in the house till my mom went to bed. She heard a cabinet door shut and a couple of her cats scramble. She thought they were playing. She looked in there Friday night and all of the old mason jars that I had put in there in the back corner had been moved and there was enough room for a small woman to hide. And the neighbor's daughter is a small woman. The bitch also stole some of my mom's clothes as well as my grandfather's watch and harmonica. My mom's also missing some tools and the battery that went in the van my husband and I had. Sadly based on the way the cop treated her I doubt they even care. It's not so much that things are missing but that there was people in her home uninvited touching her stuff. Even I don't go in my mother's room. And I sure as hell don't mess with her stuff. *sigh* I got the number for ADT for her and they are coming Wednesday to install a wireless monitoring system.

Anyways, enough bad news. I did find a car online that I liked. A used Nissan Sentra with only 32k miles on it for less than 7k. Looks good and was taken care of. I definitely want to see it. Mom says that if everything goes well with the break in situation she will see about helping us get it. This whole car-less thing we have been doing is old now. I would like to be able to go to the store with my husband instead of making my mom take me. I'd like to go for a drive and visit family without needing my mom to drive. I feel like I need to reconnect with my relatives and see them more. But I can't get anywhere unless mom takes me. *sigh* So I'm really hoping to get it.

I did have a project for myself tonight. I saw that Walgreens had a special on prints that ended today. If you get 50+ you get them for 10 cents instead of 15 cents. I put an order in for about 120. lol. I printed some wedding photos for my album and for my aunt. We had a really simple wedding with a few friends snapping pics here and there. We couldn't afford a photographer. But it's not the wedding that makes the marriage so it's not a big deal. But one of my favorite aunts couldn't get the day off to come to the wedding. She was worried that if she even asked she would lose her job. Which is sad. So I got a 2nd set of copies for her and put them in an album to give to her. The album is cute and pink. It's a smaller one that has a single pocket per page with a couple of lines for a description. So it's perfect. My cousin is coming over tomorrow to visit and pick it up for his mom. I'm excited about giving it to her. I also put out some new family photos. They are all recent and I am so happy. I love being surrounded by the faces of people that I love. If I had it my way the whole wall would be a cork board with photos and little momentos pinned to it. The kind of stuff that you can point to and giggle. Sadly printing out all of these pictures and going through them to put them out only makes me want more. MORE PICTURES!!!!!

Cotton candy, old photographs, and an ex

I finally made it to the store today. Just a short ride to the nearest Food City. They had Mountain Dew on sale lol. It wasn't so bad. For some reason there weren't many people there at 5pm. Which is just fine by me! I took advantage of a few sales and came home. Cotton candy was not on list but it's a nice treat for $1. (^.^) But in all the trip wasn't so bad. It's always a pain to get the groceries in the house. Living in the city has it's perks but parking on the street is not one of them. Sometimes you have to park half way down the block and other times right by the apartment building. Then there is a matter of stairs. We are on the second floor. I'm not exactly thin or in shape either. But that part is my fault. So I try my best to get everything in one trip from mom's truck. The sooner I am back in the house and in my safety bubble the better.

I came in and got changed and checked Facebook. My cousin's boyfriend's daughter had broken a necklace that has a really nice skeleton key on it. It was her father's so it's extra special. I was poking through my jewelery box to see if I had anything she could use and I found a couple things to give her. Just some random necklaces and things. I hope she likes them. =) But while doing this I found some old family photos of me and my cousins and one of me and my ex that I thought I had lost. I got distracted by them and forgot about my groceries for a few minutes. I got them uploaded on to Facebook and sat here for a moment thinking about them. I thought about myself when I was thin, my cousins when they were small, my friend when we worked together at an adult book store, the day I decided to pose with a foot fetish magazine by a bunch of sex toys, and of course the pic of me and the ex. We shall call her "V". We met years ago after I left my first husband at a restaurant that she was a waitress at. She was beautiful. Her hair was short and the color of milk chocolate. The expensive kind. And her eyes were the prettiest shade of brown. She was like a tiny angel. And she smiled at me. Over the next couple of months she showed me that not everyone would hurt me. She un-did a lot of the damage that my ex-husband had done to me. And when we broke up of course I was hurt. But she was honest with me and once I realized that I stopped being upset about it. I mean, that is all anyone wants really. Honesty. And I still love her. I always will. But not in a romantic way but as a good friend. She was there for me when my grandmother went into the hospital for the last time. She came to take care of me when she died. I called her at 4:30am crying and asked her if she could come back to the hospital. She was exhausted..........but she came. She is one of the strongest people I know. And I envy that.

My husband came home during all of this reminiscing. I was tagging photos and showing them to him. He laughed at the one with the magazine. I don't believe he had ever seen that one. He helped me put the groceries away and we decided on what to have for dinner. Overall not a bad day.

My face is under attack!

The culprits. Wafflez (the kitten) and Precious.

I was rudely awakened by the tiniest little cat butt. The kitten decided that I needed to meet his rear end while I was sleeping. And of course I didn't have much room to re-adjust because of the giant 25lb cat at the foot of the bed. It's a feline conspiracy. Ah but I love them. But what is it with cats and their need/desire to put their butt in you face?

Not surprised

I managed to get back to sleep today at 11:30am. Despite the cats best efforts for me not to. I was getting nudges by one and glared at by another for taking her spot. Business as usual for them. But I set the alarm for 3pm so that I could shower and get ready for the shopping trip. Well 3pm came and "BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP............." *presses snooze button* and back to sleep I went. I hardly remember it going off a second time but evidently this time I turned the alarm off. So when my mom showed up at 3:40pm knocking only loud enough to make the dogs hysterical but not enough for me to hear I was disappointed that I hadn't gotten up when the alarm sounded off. I grumbled and groaned out of my cave and there she was grinning from ear to ear. And the first thing out of her mouth was "You going to the store today?" I'm thinking to myself as I rub my eyes "oh great, that." So I answered her "does it look like I am?" So this is the second day this week I have put off going. And with tomorrow being Thursday I can't put it off any longer. Going out on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday just doesn't happen for me. So fantastic I get to obsess about leaving the house for another 23 or so hours when mom gets off work. I don't know what is worse. The anxiety of having to go out or being out.

Can't sleep

I have this problem every sing time I know I need to be somewhere. I can't sleep. I'm tense and anxious about the trip I have to make today to the grocery store. It's the same trip that I make every week but it doesn't get any easier. I like to make a list and zoom through. But my mom has a different idea of how the trip should go. She will wonder off leaving me alone. Then when she gets back a few minutes later and I am obviously distressed she starts talking loudly and annoying me. And eventually she just stares at me. Thanks for the help mom. I really wish my husband and I had our own vehicle. He does a good job of taking care of me when we are out. And of course the lack of sleep before I go out does not help at all. I tend to get really grumpy and irritated about everything. It would be so much easier if we had a car. That's how I used to do my shopping alone before I met my husband. I'd go at 2am. There is nothing better than WalMart at 2am. But here it is creeping up on 6am and I'm not at all tired. Today is going to suck.

Oh for fucks sake

My cell phone has been dead for a couple days. It doesn't phase me in the slightest being that I don't care much for it anyways. I'm not one of those people who can't be without their cell phone in their hand 24/7. I just don't get the obsession with texting.  But today I turned it back on. $34 for 1 month including taxes. 1,000 minutes and texts. Not bad huh for no contract. It's the smallest plan they offer or I'd get a cheaper one.Anyways, I turn it on and start messing with the ringtones and the phone seems to power it's self off and then back on. Only it stays at the part where it shows you the model of the phone. All I see is "LG620G". $34 for nothing. lol. It's a good thing my mom has a spare or I'd be upset. Such a shame too. This really is a cute little phone.
Otherwise I had a pretty decent evening. Dinner with my sexy husband and I got to annoy the cats. Always a win. I was in a trolling mood and was messing around on the interwebs for a while. But for now it's late and I'm off to bed. I have to go to the store tomorrow with mother. (-.-) Oh joy!

I wondered why it was so quiet here lately.

Straight from the gossip himself (our maintenance man) I have the hottest news around and about the apartment building.

To start with the building is 2ish stories. 3 really. The building sits sideways so that the front doors of apartments 1-6 face the side of the neighbor's house. Then there are 2 on the back of the building situated in the alley. We are on the top left if you face the front of the apartments. Now having painted a picture for you I can begin.
The first hot news story is that apt 2, which is located on the first floor and under the apartment beside us, was broken into not long ago. Like maybe 2 weeks ago. Oh joy. Like always I was home. And the worst part is I saw one of the guys. I heard what sounded like loud knocking at 3am one night and a thin blonde haired man pacing around downstairs. He looked to be in his early 20s. I only saw him for a second and being that I didn't recognize him I turned my outside light on. Evidently all that did was help them to see while they cleaned the neighbor out. I just thought it was yet another drunk college kid beating on the door thinking their BFF still lived there. That has happened a couple times over the years. And I even thought about going out there and seeing what the ruckus was but I'm glad I didn't. They could have had weapons. And this isn't an isolated incident. A couple of years ago this same apartment was broken into. I have no idea who or whatever because I didn't see or hear any of that one. It's just odd that it keeps happening to that one. None of the others. And the police don't bother knocking on doors to see if any of us heard/saw anything. And they are pretty bold to break in to an apartment with the upstairs neighbor's living room light on. And how did they know that they weren't home? I don't feel safe here. But that is nothing new. I haven't since the first break in. But we can't afford anything else.

And then.........................I am told that crazy cat guy down in one of the alley apartments has more kittens on the way and some of his cats have died and he is keeping them in the freezer. This man has too many cats. They are all semi-feral and sickly. He can't even take care of himself much less 15 or so cats. And none have them have ever seen a vet so they aren't spayed or neutered. He always has pregnant cats and kittens. It's disgusting. I just emailed animal control. And if you are going to whine about the possibility of these cats being put to sleep then move along. I assure you I do not care about that. I care about the safety and well being of MY pets. I don't want my dogs going outside and being in proximity of these purring bundles of disease. Or my cats accidentally getting out for a few minutes while I fill the bird feeders. These cats of his could be carrying rabies, feline HIV, feline leukemia, worms, fleas, ear mites, and a few others. I have enough things to worry about without having to worry about my pets being contaminated.

What "Eviltopia" means

"Eviltopia" Is a word I made up one night on World of Warcraft. I was telling someone that I needed my own island far away from everyone and nobody could see it unless I wanted them to. It was going to be a safe haven for me, my husband, and all of our pets. There would be bird feeders everywhere and butterflies for the cats to chase. And a nice big house with a porch and swing for me and my husband to relax and watch the sun set.  The "Evil" part refers to how I feel some days when I am feeling bad. And by "bad" I mean depressed or anxious. It doesn't necessarily evil so much as "wicked". Or even "naughty". It's really just a nice way to call myself a raging cunt when I feel like shit. It's also part of a few of my WoW names. The "topia" part come from "utopia" and was imported from Greek by Sir Thomas More for his 1516 book Utopia, describing a fictional island in the Atlantic Ocean. So Eviltopia is something that only exists in my mind.

Today I'm not feeling too terrible. I have some things I need to do around the house. I intend to complete them and then never do. The dishes, put the clean laundry away, and dust. All things that need to be done and yet never do. I did actually get the dishes under control finally but there are still a couple in there waiting for me. I did make my husband a nice big breakfast. Not so much because I wanted to be nice to him as I was just being a fatty and was hungry. I ended up staying up all night like usual poking around and watching stuff on Netflix. I've been without World of Warcraft for about 10 days so far. I still have my Everquest 2 but I just haven't felt like playing. Netflix has 8 seasons of Andy Griffith! There is no time for games!

I am a bit nervous/anxious and excited about an upcoming trip my mom and I may be taking. We are hoping to make it to Mount Airy, NC for her birthday next month to visit the Andy Griffith Museum and stuff. It's something I have always wanted to do. But then again it's WAY out of my comfort zone. It's 4 hours one way. My mom will be there but she just isn't helpful when I start feeling bad like my husband is. My mom tends to stare at me when I get anxious and it only makes it worse. Or she starts talking loud. I guess she thinks she is distracting me but all I can think about is her causing more people to stare at me. I have literally sprinted to get away from her a couple of times when we have gone to the store. She is so bad at times that being on my own sometimes seems easier than being with HER in public. But Mount Airy, NC is a small town and it's not likely to be busy in mid August so I think I will be fine. But for right now I am exhausted from a long night of doing nothing. Off to bed I go.

Triggers and Symptoms

Some of the typical things that affect many people with agoraphobia don't really phase me. Like airports and airplanes. For some reason this is one of the very few places I can be alone and not in a constant state of alert. I suppose it's due to all of the security measures that everyone has to face. If they don't remove anything and everything potentially dangerous then they are sure to wear a person out trying. Another one that doesn't bother me is wide open spaces. I love being outside on a nice fall day. A cool breeze blowing and some birds passing through on their way south. Or in the spring poking around at my mom's house. Sitting on her porch laughing at the shenanigans provided by her cats and dogs. I do alright in restaurants. The food keeps me distracted. Although I never go to a restaurant during peek hours. To avoid a lot of people.

Now out here in the city where my husband and I live I don't set foot outside more than 3 feet from the front door. I don't check the mail. I don't walk the dogs. I don't flag down delivery boys when we get chinese food. And yes they have asked. lol. I do have a small window garden situated on a board that rests on our A/C unit. Where we are we have a small 500 sqft apartment. And they cut a hole in the wall below the large window in the living room for the A/C unit. The unit is also encased in an metal ventilated box. So I can open the window and use it as a platform. So I get to have my small garden without going outside. Win! I also have a pair of small bird feeders. They keep the cats entertained.
As far as some of the other things that are a problem that is a long list. Driving, any sort of store, bars, clubs, parties, family gatherings that include extended family sometimes bother me, sometimes riding in a car that isn't operated by either my mom or my husband, talking on the phone, in person interaction with strangers or people I don't know well, people making eye contact with me drives me nuts, kids make me uncomfortable as hell, people standing too close to me at the checkout in a store, and a few more that I can't think of right now.

As far as symptoms I believe I have a majority of the panic attacks under control. But when I get triggered a few things happen. My breathing is shallow and fast, my eyes are very shifty and dart around, I'm twitchy, difficulty swallowing, lightheadedness, dizziness, rapid heart beat, flushing, nausea, chest pain, feeling like I will lose control, and a few others I can't think of right now. But one of two feelings is always present. Either I feel extremely confrontational or panicked. Fight or flight response. Basically I'll either get in your face and intimidate you until YOU run away or I will run away. A lot of my personality revolves around making other people uncomfortable. I figure it makes things a bit more even if you are as uncomfortable around me as I am around you.

I do have "safe zones". Places I can be and feel somewhat "normal". My mom's house, my aunt Debbie's house, my cousin Charish's house and her parent's, my husband's aunt and uncle's place, and both of his parent's homes. It's hard to believe that anything is wrong with me if you meet me at one of these places. I suppose that's why some of my husband's family didn't understand it at first. I was always so comfortable around them that my anxiety never really showed it's ugly face. There was one time when we visited his folks in Arizona that I had trouble. It was the last day we were there and we went to a local grocery store with my husband's dad for things to put on the grill for dinner and sandwich makings for the long flight home. I remember smelling some beautiful specialty soaps. But there was just so many people in there. I had a death grip on my husband's hand and stared at the floor. I think there was even some point when his dad asked if I was okay. I wasn't, but my husband had it under control. I do remember that the roast beef my husband's dad got for his sandwiches was so tender it almost melted. I'd like to have more of that. lol

The Definition and Symptoms of Agoraphobia

Taken from Wikipedia: Agoraphobia (from Greek ἀγορά, "marketplace"; and φόβος/φοβία, -phobia) is an anxiety disorder defined as a morbid fear or having a panic attack or panic-like symptoms in a situation that is perceived to be difficult (or embarrassing) from which to escape. These situations can include, but are not limited to, wide-open spaces, crowds, or uncontrolled social conditions. Alternatively, social anxiety problems may also be an underlying cause. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia avoid public and/or unfamiliar places, especially large, open spaces such as shopping malls or airports from which they cannot easily escape if they have a panic attack. In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to his or her home, unable to leave their safe haven.