The days ahead.

This afternoon I have my first therapy appointment since the receptionist was a twat to me. I'm not looking forward to going in there but I really need to see my therapist and tell her what happened. My BFF suggested I make a list of what I wanted to talk about. I think this is a great idea. I also made an appointment to have my lady parts looked at. It's taken me over 5 years to get the courage to go ahead and get it over with. Whatever the doctor says is okay with me. Good or bad. Just so long as I know why I have been having problems down there. I'm ready to hear it and deal with it. Sadly the appointment is on my birthday this year. lol. Just my luck huh. I hope they don;t have the results of my exam till the next day to be honest. That way it won't ruin my birthday if I can't have kids. The plan that day if John takes the day off is my doctor appointment, cheap lunch at Subway or something, waste a few hours doing nothing, cheap movie at the $2 movies, and then dinner at either Texas Roadhouse or Makino. Or perhaps dinner then the movie. I dunno yet. We will wing it. Or is he works (which I am encouraging) then we will do my dr apt, cheap lunch, and then I will take him to work. Then when I pick him up we will go to dinner and maybe a movie. We shall see. But this will be a short post tonight because I am sleepy and my husband isn't feeling well. I believe he has the flu. School is back in here and mom says some of the UT kids have it.

Abducted by aliens.....

I'll be honest. I wasn't abducted by aliens. But for once I wasn't hiding! A week after my last post I got a car finally for the first time in more than 5 years. It's a light green 2005 Nissan Altima. I named her Lucy. So Lucy and I have been out and about bonding. I use the "safe zone" and "safety person" approach to leaving the house. I can go out driving and ride around. But only on the roads I have been on for most of my life. And god forbid I have to use the bathroom while I am out. I have to either go to my husband's work or come all the way home. The same can be said for food and drink while I'm out. I still can't go in places alone or even get out of the car if my husband isn't with me. I have been taking him to and from work just about every day. And just after I got the car I spent the afternoon with my aunt Debbie. We had lunch at Hotrod's 50's Diner and went to the 4 Chics & A Cat thrift store in Maryville, Tennessee. The restaurant was packed with people of all ages having lunch. Luckily we were close to the bathroom so I went in a couple times to catch my breath and calm down. The food was excellent. The company was excellent. And the overall day was excellent. I love my aunt Debbie. <3 The car is making us poor as fuck though. Even with help paying the payments the insurance for just me is over $100 a month. Then there is gas. I'm spending $50 every 2 weeks taking John to work, getting groceries, and doing laundry. But not having to rely on someone else for a ride everywhere is really nice. especially since my mother causes panic attacks instead of preventing them.

Anyways.

I had an appointment to see the therapist last Thursday. I love this woman. She is hilarious and I feel comfortable with her. The place I go is one of those where you pay based on your income. I walked in for my appointment and the receptionist, Penny, gets an attitude with me and says that the papers my husband faxed about our income weren't good enough. That's funny, they were last time. So she goes on about what she needs and I'm like "M'kay, well that is what you have there." And in front of another receptionist and 4 total strangers she gets a shitty attitude and gets loud with me saying that she needs a W2 or whatever and a bank statement. Well we bank online and don't get a statement. And we don't have a printer. I start to panic because of her volume and her tone. This cow is drawing much unwanted attention to me. She told me to go to the bank and get a copy. I said "Um, excuse me? I don't GO places except for here and my mother's house without my husband. And he is at work." She had this smug superior look on her face as she chomped her chewing gum. Well I panic and run out the door. But before I get to the door she has the audacity to yell across the waiting room "Are you not going to be seen today?" I get to my car and leave. thankfully this place is a mile from where I grew up and I was able to go there and calm down. I go there for help. For support. For fucking THERAPY. What the hell. I came home still rather upset and emailed my therapist on Facebook. We aren't friends on here but I was panicked and didn't know what else to do. Part of my problem is I don't answer my phone or call people. It's a huge source of stress for me. And I would never accept or send a request to be. That is unprofessional in my opinion. I think I should though. I keep thinking it was my fault and perhaps I was unreasonable. But I don't think I was. I mean, I know she doesn't know why I am there. At least I don't think she does. But it's a mental health facility. She shouldn't get loud and embarrass people coming there for help. This was 9 days ago and I am still upset about it. Now we are back to John having to go with me to my appointments. 1 step forward and 5 steps back behind a locked door with the curtains drawn tight and me crying in the bedroom. Good job Penny you fucking bitch. I hope your car gets repossessed while you are at work or all of your hair falls out.

Monday I spent a few hours over at my high school BFF's house with her grandmother and daughter. Our other BFF showed and we had a hen party on the back porch. Crissy brought her daughter, Lillie, and she and Amanda's daughter played while Amanda's grandmother was in the house. It was just like we were 16 again. Amanda and Crissy are as pretty as they were in school. I love them. No matter how long I am gone MIA when I am sick they still love me. And they understand. But I am determined to get my relationships with them back and be there from now on. We made plans to have dinner Saturday after John gets off work. It will be us, Amanda, Crissy, and her husband Billy. I'm thrilled!

Tuesday was good too. I had an appointment with the disability lawyer office about my denial for disability for agoraphobia. I need to re-appeal online and get them some papers filled out by my doctor. It will be 9-12 months before it gets to the next stage. The hearing stage. Blargh, I need to get to work on that appeal. But that night was special. I had a late night appointment at the tattoo place my brother works at for the custom autism tattoo I have been wanting in honor of my husband. It's the first step in covering my left forearm with tattoos that represent people I love. Next is my grandmother's daffodil and then my grandfather's guitar. the rest I haven't got to yet. I still need to work on my grandfather's. But I have time. I'll likely do some sort of cat for my mother being that she is crazy cat lady. lol. A pic of the new tattoo is at the bottom of this page.

Today was good though. Tiny victories. I went to a movie alone after I dropped John off at work. I saw Midnight in Paris. I had never been to this theater before so there was no comfort zone what so ever once I was out of the car. I used my free pass and went inside. I gathered myself in the restroom like I always try to do and found a seat. There was only 3 other people in there for the movie. 2 very quiet women to either side of me and 1 nomming popcorn somewhere behind me. I made myself not look back so that I wouldn't know who was back there. So I assume it was one person. The movie was okay. I spent a good part of it when he wasn't in the 20's just sitting with my eyes closed. The seats were cozy and the temp was just right for a nap. But after the movie I went to John's work to get a drink of course (lol) and there was a light out in the back. It made it look weird at his work station so I grabbed my drink, smooched him, conformed that he was getting off at 6pm, and bolted. I'm pretty sure it was Looney Tunes style and John's and Topher's chairs where spinning I zoomed out so fast. I stopped and grabbed a couple doughnuts at the Krispy Kreme drive thru. Mmmm glazed creme filled! The window person was eyeballing the new tattoo. =) Probably shocked at how big it is. lol. I came home and got in my p'jammies and nommed my treats and rested for a while before I had to go get John.

Not a bad month. But I promise to do better at repelling the aliens so that I am not MIA for so long.

The boarder represents me.
The puzzle pieces represent my husband, John.
Without the boarder the pieces fall apart.
Without the pieces the boarder has no purpose.
And the heart represents finding love in an unexpected place.